There’s a project I’ve been involved with for 5 years, as of Valentine’s Day… a love affair that may be over, but not ready to close shop. What I can’t quite figure out yet and am working on, is, what ‘over’ means in this context: transformation, metamorphosis? Or does over mean what it has meant at other key points in life when I clung too tightly and ignored a million signs in order, I thought, to follow through?
Throughout my experience with this project there have come dreams that marked upcoming shifts in uncanny ways, that imparted readiness in me – vision – for what was ahead. The dreams shored up my confidence, validating the intense amount of time and energy I felt driven to invest – both out of sheer pleasure and curiosity, and inexplicable ‘just knowing’, that I ought to be there. But, a few months ago I had a dream of a different feeling, that I shared with just one person.. the person who was in all but one of the other dreams and in that role has always represented the future in some way.
Though it sounds fanciful, it is true that I arrived to what became a rich and creative community – a family for me – by way of hot air balloon, on a whim, after a group meditation. Then dealing with the confines of an estranged marriage, in the sense that I felt estranged from myself while in it, Valentines Day evening was not a night in which I wanted to be alone. My friend and I landed in an open area I would never have found on my own, and quietly eavesdropped on a playful conversation about the nature of Identity, and what it might mean to let notions about our selves, others, and the workings of the world – be turned inside out. Those participating (anyone and everyone who happened to find their way there), would then meet back and report to the group for “peer review.”
I was deeply confused by the premise of the group as explained to me at first. It was founded by an accomplished scientist, meditative, and seemingly had no end goal or intended product, although the amount of time being devoted to having meetings suggested teetering toward some major discovery; it was odd. Due to the personalities of those involved, it was odd enough and intriguing enough, that I couldn’t help myself from going back again, and again, and again. I fell in love. I fell in love intentionally, made some choice, and the affection was reciprocated, multiplied, came rushing back through every crevice of my life, ten thousand fold.
Whereas on that first night we landed softly, in my recent dream we were in the balloon again, but jumped out, witnessed by the particular Guardian who seemed happily to understand the leap as the right thing to do – right timing. In the several weeks that have followed, I’ve lightly mused, imploring myself if there might be any way around feeling it as a sign of moving on, and I don’t think there wants to be. I have the sense that this particular adventure is over, at least in this form, or at least for me.
You cannot understand life and its mysteries as long as you try to grasp it. Indeed, you cannot grasp it, just as you cannot walk off with a river in a bucket. If you try to capture running water in a bucket, it is clear that you do not understand it and that you will always be disappointed, for in the bucket the water does not run. To “have” running water you must let go of it and let it run.”
~ Alan Wilson Watts